The child says this when he is scared... When things are out of control and he doesn't know what else to do... he seeks a higher power... he asks for help... or he gives recrimination.

I never said this much... not as a threat, not as an intent, I never sought help much either...

I have a clear memory, I don't know how old I was... Couldn't have been more than Five years old, and my step-sister took great pleasure in tormenting me. She asked me to hold up my middle finger... I was five, I didn't know the bird from Big Bird... Naturally as soon as I do so she is running down stairs to tell my dad and I am punished...

I have been reading Ender's Game again... and as I've mentioned in previous journals the book touches me in a profound way... Mainly in isolation. And as I was reading I was struck with a realization... Card goes over the Peter/Valentine aspects of the three Wiggins. And I see my own sister, 2 years older than I am... bully, a show off... a tormentor... I have no memories of calling a parent for help... I always fixed the problems myself... I don't think Laurel ever expected me to punch her 'til it happened... She, of course, is not nearly as bad as Ender's peter... but she was still my tormentor... As we grew older our relationship changed and she is more akin to Valentine... but those first years, my early memories...

Sister's goading me, then telling on me... Parents then became the allies of the tormentors, they weren't the source of help for me... Even now I have trouble asking for help... Some things I figure out for myself... some things I ignore entirely...

None of my sisters are tormentors now... they would all help if I asked. I just never learned to ask.

My thoughts are a bit sporadic and for that I apologize... also for the inordinate amount of ellipses...

In a mostly unrelated thought...

I am an empty vessel... No aspiration... No Ambition... just existence.